I'm confused

My sister came out to me today. She's two and a half years younger and according to her, bisexual. She asked me to help tell my parents. First of all, for some reason I don't want to believe her. My sister isn't the kind of person to make this stuff up or decide it on a whim but I don't want to believe her. For some reason I feel like she's lying or being dramatic or imagining it and will never actually go out with a guy. Second of all, it pisses me off that she feels comfortable to tell my parents after knowing I don't know how long but most likely less time than me. She's younger than me for god's sake. I should be the one to tell first, right? Still, she's always been a little older than me I guess. I'm smarter, no bragging but she's more socially capable, better at sports, music, and people. That girl can make friends anywhere and honestly it's because she's a really sweet person. i'm not sure I would call her outgoing but she is definitely one of the nicest people out there. Her confidence in her bisexuality is another indicator that she is mentally older than me. I really wish that I was confident enough to tell my parents. I've made a promise to myself that if I ever get a girlfriend I'll tell my parents. At the same time if I don't come out I won't get a girlfriend but I don't think I'll be confident until I actually am with a girl. It's a vicious circle that my sister has already escaped. I guess what bothers me the most is that I might not escape and I'll die alone. I don't want to die alone.

I want to be happy for my sister, but selfishly I can't be because of my own shortcomings. Am I a bad human?

Amazing Person

How do you talk to someone amazing? Do you have to be amazing as well? Do you even have to be interesting? What do you talk about? Do you have to like the same things? Do you have to like similar things? Do you have to have the same friends, live in the same area, on the same planet? Does that person have to want to talk to you or can you just say hi? Do you have to be the one to say hi or can you just hang around in the corner of their eye until they figure out that you want them to see you? What do you say after you say hi? What do you talk about? Their life? Your life? How would they ever find your life interesting? What's a safe thing to start with? What's something that won't make them hate you as soon as the words leave your mouth? The weather? Classes? Politics? The football game? What if you don't life football and they do? What if they like football and you don't? What if you talk and they hate you? What if you are the worst person they ever met? What if they don't want to see you ever again? What if they are too smart for you to keep up with? What if they think you're an idiot? What if they spend the rest of their life wishing they'd never spoken to you? And what if... they aren't amazing?

Growing up

So, Christmas is almost here and you know what sucks? I have gotten to the age when my parents expect me to get them gifts.... With my own money. A few years ago they would just buy presents for each other and put my name on it. Often times I wouldn't know what I gave them until they opened them up.

Here's the really big issue... Today is the 24th and I still have nothing for them. Nothing at all. I may have to settle for a handmade gift but at my age scrawling "I love Daddy" on a piece of paper with magic marker just won't cut it, you know? I'll actually have to put effort into it and make it beautiful. And I'm going to have to do this without them noticing.

Well, I'll just hope that they'll receive enough other presents that they won't remember mine. That's a good strategy, right?

I'm an idiot.

I Think I'm Going to Pass Out

Soooo, I seem to have gotten sick just in time for finals and it sucks. I was in the middle of a verifying trig identities problem in my pre-calculus exam this morning and when I opened them I had no idea what year it was. I'd probably not had them closed for very long, a minute or two, but it felt like forever. I left four questions unanswered because I did not know the answers. I'm hoping to get partial credit for showing my work. Every time I cough I feel like my throat is going to come out. Quite an unpleasant feeling. It hurts. I'm debating sleeping right now but I have another final tomorrow and I really really should study. Chemistry is not easy, I'll have you know. Whatever. I just wish I could go home already.

Discovery

I discovered something. I'm not sure whether it was at the beginning when I thought I knew who I was or nearer to the end when I'd lost sight of everything I'd thought I was and had yet to find it again. You see self-discovery is not an easy thing. It involves looking at things that you'd rather not look at. All of your inadequacies. It's easy to be honest about them. It's easy to say I'm ugly, I'm stupid, people hate me but it's not easy to accept it. You think it to yourself and yet when you actually look into the mirror you're still shocked at what is there. Being honest about your inadequacies is easy because you know what they are and they are a daily challenge to you. Accepting them is another thing. That's the thing about inadequacies. They're the bad side of you. The side you don't want. So even if you can see them, you wish they weren't there. Really, you want to push them away and ignore them. You can't though. Some things can be changed. You can put on makeup to cover blemishes and you can study really hard to hide the fact that you really understand nothing in the class but that doesn't fix them and as long as people tell you that you look nice and that you're smart you can continue to ignore them. But then the day comes when they see past your mask. Hiding some, any large part of you for any significant amount of time is impossible and the longer you hide it the worse it is when it comes out. Thought it's not easy at all, I think that all people should just accept who they are. You're ugly. You're stupid. I know. I know and I'm okay with that because there are other, better things about me. Things that maybe you can't see but I can. When you accept them other people will be more willing to as well. That's not to say that they will all be really happy with you. That's never going to be true. There will always be one sad, bitter person out there who is unwilling to do anything to help you. They'll enjoy watching you cry. And you can be ugly and you can be stupid but at least you're not mean and coldhearted like that person. At least you won't die alone like that person. People will enjoy talking to you because they like you but no one could like that person so really that person doesn't count at all. What counts is you seeing yourself for who you really are and accepting it. Not just accepting it but loving it. 

It won't be easy. It'll be a journey but when you get there, you'll be happy.

So Here's The News

I was reading back on some of my blog posts and realized that I have been lying to you. Yes, lying. Isn't that just horrible? Well the truth is currently I'm lying to just about everyone in my life and right now anyone who is reading this blog gets to hear about it first probably because I'm almost 100% certain that no one reads this blog. You've probably already read the previous post. If not, that's totally cool and you can read it after this. That post was something I wish I was doing right now. None of my friends, family, or anyone else know this right now but I'm gay. I like girls. Am I okay with that? I don't  know. It's not easy to be gay and I know that but really, I don't mind liking girls. I have no issue with it.  Really the only issue with it is that other people have an issue with it. They're the people who are keeping me from coming out. Even though I know and trust my parents and friends, I'm still scared of what they might say. For anyone reading this post, thanks for listening I really just needed a place to vent.

Lost Words

Kiara looked Isabelle in the eye. She had made her decision. She wasn't sure when she made it or what had changed her mind but she was sure about it. Still, she couldn't stop her heart rate  accelerating or her breathing getting shallower in anticipation. Kiara was nearly 100% sure about what Isabelle's reaction would be and it would be a good one she was sure but at the same time there was a small doubt creeping that she would be wrong and that Isabelle would never speak to her again. Isabelle narrowed her eyes as Kiara struggled with her words. Kiara had planned them earlier. Really it wasn't a hard script at all but she was still afraid it would come out wrong. If anyone could mess up to measly words it would be her. Isabelle opened her mouth to speak, probably to ask what Kiara had planned to say but before the words could come out, 

"I'm gay."