I'm confused

My sister came out to me today. She's two and a half years younger and according to her, bisexual. She asked me to help tell my parents. First of all, for some reason I don't want to believe her. My sister isn't the kind of person to make this stuff up or decide it on a whim but I don't want to believe her. For some reason I feel like she's lying or being dramatic or imagining it and will never actually go out with a guy. Second of all, it pisses me off that she feels comfortable to tell my parents after knowing I don't know how long but most likely less time than me. She's younger than me for god's sake. I should be the one to tell first, right? Still, she's always been a little older than me I guess. I'm smarter, no bragging but she's more socially capable, better at sports, music, and people. That girl can make friends anywhere and honestly it's because she's a really sweet person. i'm not sure I would call her outgoing but she is definitely one of the nicest people out there. Her confidence in her bisexuality is another indicator that she is mentally older than me. I really wish that I was confident enough to tell my parents. I've made a promise to myself that if I ever get a girlfriend I'll tell my parents. At the same time if I don't come out I won't get a girlfriend but I don't think I'll be confident until I actually am with a girl. It's a vicious circle that my sister has already escaped. I guess what bothers me the most is that I might not escape and I'll die alone. I don't want to die alone.

I want to be happy for my sister, but selfishly I can't be because of my own shortcomings. Am I a bad human?

Amazing Person

How do you talk to someone amazing? Do you have to be amazing as well? Do you even have to be interesting? What do you talk about? Do you have to like the same things? Do you have to like similar things? Do you have to have the same friends, live in the same area, on the same planet? Does that person have to want to talk to you or can you just say hi? Do you have to be the one to say hi or can you just hang around in the corner of their eye until they figure out that you want them to see you? What do you say after you say hi? What do you talk about? Their life? Your life? How would they ever find your life interesting? What's a safe thing to start with? What's something that won't make them hate you as soon as the words leave your mouth? The weather? Classes? Politics? The football game? What if you don't life football and they do? What if they like football and you don't? What if you talk and they hate you? What if you are the worst person they ever met? What if they don't want to see you ever again? What if they are too smart for you to keep up with? What if they think you're an idiot? What if they spend the rest of their life wishing they'd never spoken to you? And what if... they aren't amazing?

Growing up

So, Christmas is almost here and you know what sucks? I have gotten to the age when my parents expect me to get them gifts.... With my own money. A few years ago they would just buy presents for each other and put my name on it. Often times I wouldn't know what I gave them until they opened them up.

Here's the really big issue... Today is the 24th and I still have nothing for them. Nothing at all. I may have to settle for a handmade gift but at my age scrawling "I love Daddy" on a piece of paper with magic marker just won't cut it, you know? I'll actually have to put effort into it and make it beautiful. And I'm going to have to do this without them noticing.

Well, I'll just hope that they'll receive enough other presents that they won't remember mine. That's a good strategy, right?

I'm an idiot.

I Think I'm Going to Pass Out

Soooo, I seem to have gotten sick just in time for finals and it sucks. I was in the middle of a verifying trig identities problem in my pre-calculus exam this morning and when I opened them I had no idea what year it was. I'd probably not had them closed for very long, a minute or two, but it felt like forever. I left four questions unanswered because I did not know the answers. I'm hoping to get partial credit for showing my work. Every time I cough I feel like my throat is going to come out. Quite an unpleasant feeling. It hurts. I'm debating sleeping right now but I have another final tomorrow and I really really should study. Chemistry is not easy, I'll have you know. Whatever. I just wish I could go home already.

Discovery

I discovered something. I'm not sure whether it was at the beginning when I thought I knew who I was or nearer to the end when I'd lost sight of everything I'd thought I was and had yet to find it again. You see self-discovery is not an easy thing. It involves looking at things that you'd rather not look at. All of your inadequacies. It's easy to be honest about them. It's easy to say I'm ugly, I'm stupid, people hate me but it's not easy to accept it. You think it to yourself and yet when you actually look into the mirror you're still shocked at what is there. Being honest about your inadequacies is easy because you know what they are and they are a daily challenge to you. Accepting them is another thing. That's the thing about inadequacies. They're the bad side of you. The side you don't want. So even if you can see them, you wish they weren't there. Really, you want to push them away and ignore them. You can't though. Some things can be changed. You can put on makeup to cover blemishes and you can study really hard to hide the fact that you really understand nothing in the class but that doesn't fix them and as long as people tell you that you look nice and that you're smart you can continue to ignore them. But then the day comes when they see past your mask. Hiding some, any large part of you for any significant amount of time is impossible and the longer you hide it the worse it is when it comes out. Thought it's not easy at all, I think that all people should just accept who they are. You're ugly. You're stupid. I know. I know and I'm okay with that because there are other, better things about me. Things that maybe you can't see but I can. When you accept them other people will be more willing to as well. That's not to say that they will all be really happy with you. That's never going to be true. There will always be one sad, bitter person out there who is unwilling to do anything to help you. They'll enjoy watching you cry. And you can be ugly and you can be stupid but at least you're not mean and coldhearted like that person. At least you won't die alone like that person. People will enjoy talking to you because they like you but no one could like that person so really that person doesn't count at all. What counts is you seeing yourself for who you really are and accepting it. Not just accepting it but loving it. 

It won't be easy. It'll be a journey but when you get there, you'll be happy.

So Here's The News

I was reading back on some of my blog posts and realized that I have been lying to you. Yes, lying. Isn't that just horrible? Well the truth is currently I'm lying to just about everyone in my life and right now anyone who is reading this blog gets to hear about it first probably because I'm almost 100% certain that no one reads this blog. You've probably already read the previous post. If not, that's totally cool and you can read it after this. That post was something I wish I was doing right now. None of my friends, family, or anyone else know this right now but I'm gay. I like girls. Am I okay with that? I don't  know. It's not easy to be gay and I know that but really, I don't mind liking girls. I have no issue with it.  Really the only issue with it is that other people have an issue with it. They're the people who are keeping me from coming out. Even though I know and trust my parents and friends, I'm still scared of what they might say. For anyone reading this post, thanks for listening I really just needed a place to vent.

Lost Words

Kiara looked Isabelle in the eye. She had made her decision. She wasn't sure when she made it or what had changed her mind but she was sure about it. Still, she couldn't stop her heart rate  accelerating or her breathing getting shallower in anticipation. Kiara was nearly 100% sure about what Isabelle's reaction would be and it would be a good one she was sure but at the same time there was a small doubt creeping that she would be wrong and that Isabelle would never speak to her again. Isabelle narrowed her eyes as Kiara struggled with her words. Kiara had planned them earlier. Really it wasn't a hard script at all but she was still afraid it would come out wrong. If anyone could mess up to measly words it would be her. Isabelle opened her mouth to speak, probably to ask what Kiara had planned to say but before the words could come out, 

"I'm gay."

Slowly Losing My Mind

Have summer job. It's an okay job. Not too hard and sometimes it even borders on fun. Still, there are times when I wish I was at school. Yes, at school. This job is the kind of job where either I'm busy as hell or I'm doing nothing. When I am doing nothing, my brain begins to melt. If you were here, you would probably be grossed out by the gray liquid dripping out of my ears.

I can't wait till I'm done working, the day after tomorrow. Yeah, so it's not that long left. But, when it's over summer can finally, truly begin. Can't wait.

What will I be doing? Probably just sitting in my room with my best friend. His name is MacBook Pro. Yeah, no life but if you're reading this, you don't really have one either. (I am positive I wrote this somewhere before...hmmmm...whatever it's still true.)

Can't wait to be lazy.

For those who actually read this blog...

So I haven't posted in a while. Summer vacation has started so I can begin posting more often now and I will have more ideas because interesting things will happen. Anyway, this is just a random post. I know that no one reads this blog so I am essentially talking to myself but if anyone does read this blog, I have to ask you something.

Are you  sane? I'm pretty sure you have better things to be doing like washing toilets or cleaning up puke.
If you think this is the most interesting thing out there you are probably a weirdo but that's okay. As long as they don't try to kill me, I like weirdos. They always have awesome ideas.

Oh, and if you came here by accident and are never going to come again, I sincerely apologize for having wasted your time.

Awesome Math Teacher...

This was on our math HW today. No joke!!!

Not scared Anymore

So my teacher didn't do anything and the class was very fun. I'm a little calmer now. Yes, I know that I'm paranoid but this teacher gives me the creeps. He's the kind of teacher that would put 1+1 on a Calculus final. Everyone would assume that it's a trick question and no one would actually write 2 as the answer and everyone will fail. He's not a math teacher though. Anyway, today was a good day so I'm happy. I got an A- on a paper so I'm actually really happy.

I'm scared

My World Literature teacher didn't give me homework today...


Yeah, most people wouldn't be bothered by this statement but he's the kind of teacher who is always planning something. Call me paranoid or whatever but if you knew him...

Even worse, it's parent's day tomorrow. That means that everyone's parents will be in the class. He already plans on giving us our essays back (I know I failed and I won't be able to hide it from my mom!!!) What other torture does he have planned????? I'll post with an update tomorrow. If I don't post it's because my mother has killed me in an attempt to save the family name. Of course, why does she need me... My sister is enough.


Wish me luck. *Tentative smile before dissolving into tears*

Double, double, toil and trouble.

We're reading MacBeth in class and I have to say that it can be really boring or really interesting. The story itself is pretty weird but my favorite far in the whole thing is the witches' incantations at the beginning of Act 4. Many famous lines come from this part for instance: Double double toil and trouble/ Fire burn and cauldron bubble. Also, shortly following this part is the even more famous line: By the pricking of my thumbs/ Something wicked this way comes.
Anyway, this whole scene is pretty awesome if you just imagine three crazy witches surrounding a bubbling cauldron a putting all the stuff that they mention in, for instance:

Scale of dragon, tooth of wolf

Witches' mummy, maw and gulf

Of the ravined salt-sea shark

Root of hemlock digged i'th' dark

Liver of blaspheming Jew

Gall of goat and slips of yew

Don't know what he's saying either but it sounds pretty cool.

Excuses, excuses

Two posts in one night!!! Wow!!!! Anyway, this post is here to explain why I kind of stopped posting.

Reason 1: Summer vacation started and I do my best not to think during summer vacation. 

Reason 2: Ran out of ideas temporarily. 

Reason 3: I just started at a new school and am a thousand times busier than I was at my last school. 

Reason 4: Unlike at my last school, here I have a slight glimmer of what could be considered a life (if you twist the situation a lot)

Anyway, the reason I posted tonight was because I read a really cool book and none of my friends are nerdy enough to actually want to get into it with me. So, to let my feelings out, I'm blabbing on a blog that no one will ever actually read so whatever. 

My excuses suck and I can't promise that I will keep it up but if I have any new ideas I'll post them. 

"Excuses change nothing but make everyone feel better."

Mason Cooley

TH1RTEEN R3ASONS WHY

I just finished reading this book, literally about 5 minutes ago. My heart is still thumping and I have a twisty feeling in my stomach. I don't know whether it's guilt or fear or something else completely. Anyway, I just have to say that this book is extremely powerful and extremely scary because it makes you think about whether you might be on someone else's list. Is there something that you inadvertently did or said that snowballed into something terrible? Is someone around you going through the same thing? Are you the one failing to reach out and help? The way it's told is so powerful because it sounds so real and if you can just place yourself into Clay's shoes you feel every emotion he feels. It's also the kind of book that once you pick up, you can't put it down regardless of what you want. Even if you are forced to put it down, you will be yearning to know what happens next for the whole time that you are not reading. It's so suspenseful that even now, after I'm done, I still feel the need to know what will happen next. I won't say anything else in case someone else wants to read the book. Oh, and don't take this as a way to scare people away from the book. The reason we read books is to awaken things in us that real life on it's own cannot. The reason many people believe that their lives would not make good books is because they wouldn't to that person. To someone else, your life may seem incredibly interesting. Anyway, my point is, though it may have seemed like some of my comments were negative, this is actually supposed to be a glowing recommendation for this book. Everyone should read it. It mostly seems like a girly book but I think that even guys could greatly enjoy this book. So that's it.

It's Thursday.

It's been a while since I last posted. I will tell you what is going on. I have had like three new ideas for stories but they all fell flat on their faces and died so I won't even share them. What I will share is my new obsession with a new series.
Learn this because you life may depend on it someday: I get strange obsessions from time to time.
Anyway, my newest obsession is about a book called Thirst no1. There's also Thirst no2, Thirst no3 and Thirst no4. Anyway, it's about a vampire but it's not like all the contemporary vampire stories that are circulating. It's way better, way cooler and the author, Christopher Pike, actually knows what he is talking about. Read it.



"Mortals have always exaggerated the difference between hate and love. Both come from the heart. You can never hate strongly unless you have loved strongly."
— Christopher Pike (Thirst No. 1: The Last Vampire, Black Blood, Red Dice)

Airports

Do you ever walk through airports and have the urge to ask everyone where they are from and where they are going? Like, "Hey, cool accent. Where are you from?" or "You're speaking Spanish. That's cool. Where are you from."

I was in the airport yesterday and there were so many people. There was this Romanian lady and I felt sorry for her because she didn't understand what anyone was saying and she missed her plane because of that.

Anyway, since there is so much waiting around in airports, I love to people watch and it is funny some of the things you will see. There were these two guys both earing green pants and white muscles shirts. They didn't have muscles though they were really thin. There was also this guy with really fluffy hair and big nerdy glasses. He was just sitting there but I liked the way he looked. It was cool.



"Curiosity is the very basis of education and if you tell me that curiosity killed the cat, I say only the cat died nobly."
-Arnold Edinborough

Idea #1

Okay, so here is an idea for a story. I'll let it sit for a week and if it becomes a story then it was a good idea. That sentence made sense in my head. Anyway here's the idea.

A headstrong princess leaves her kingdom with her prince when she goes back, the place is in ruins, her father is dead and she is officially in charge. What will she do? Is the world going to end?

It sounds like a good idea but is it?

I will gladly take suggestions in my comments section or since no one is actually reading my blog from my little sister.

Either this will become an awesome story or anyone who read my idea will be left with a horrible cliff hanger.

"There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you."

-Maya Angelou

Um, hi. Is there anyone there?

I don't know if anyone is reading this but if you are...

To Whom It May Concern:

This is where all my ideas, random moments of inspiration and cool quotes will go. If youw nat to read, read. If you don't, you're missing out an something. I don't know if it's a good something or a bad something but you will miss out. This is my overflow page, where all the ideas that would otherwise have to squish together in my brain are allowed to come out and be free or something like that. (My writing teacher at school says that I need to use more figurative language. I think that was personification or maybe metaphor) If these ideas inspire you then I will be happy but please don't steal any. Agreed? Good.

-Kali


"I'm too wacky for most weirdos. Who am I to judge?"
-Tori Amos

"Quotes are nothing but inspiration for the uninspired."

-Richard Kemph